Games Women Play to Avoid Asserting Themselves

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Since Thanksgiving is right around the corner, I wanna talk about the five games that women often play to avoid asserting themselves.

Since the holidays are approaching, you might be triggered. This is something that I’m noticing within myself. You might be triggered if you’re hosting Thanksgiving and you feel the obligation of cooking, or maybe family’s gonna be in town, or you’re single and you’re tired of people wondering why you’re not married yet, when are you gonna have a baby, or whatever it is.

Because of that, women like us can often go into this game playing rather than speaking from a place of confidence and power and speaking in a way that’s going reach people rather than repel them.

I have my five cards here… the games that women play to avoid asserting themselves. They come from a book called The New Assertive Woman by Lynn Bloom and some other authors, Karen Coburn and Joan Pearlman. 

I found this book at an estate sale. I was in the basement rummaging through the books because I love estate sales, and I looked at the back and it was really chapter three that intrigued me.

If you decide to read this book, I haven’t finished all of it. It’s very white-woman centric and it was written in the ’70s, so you’ll want to separate the good from the bad and adhere to what’s good.

Let’s go ahead and get into it.

Number one. Do you identify yourself as the sufferer? The sufferer is a woman who does what everyone refuses to do and then resents it. She puts other people before her and subordinates basically her own desires and feels like no one does for me, I’m doing it for everyone else, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Is that you? That’s the sufferer.

The second game that women play is called uninvolved. The uninvolved woman will say something like, “you know, whatever you want to do. It doesn’t really matter to me.”

For example, let’s say that some guy calls you up and wants to go to the movies but you have plans after work to wash your hair, to get some food and maybe go to the gym, and so he’s asking you and he’s like, well hey how about we go see a western movie and you don’t even like westerns, but you’re like “yeah okay, whatever, it’s fine.” You’re not really enthusiastic about it.

So, if you can identify with that, if you can identify with “well it doesn’t matter to me, whatever you want do,” you’re playing the uninvolved game, which means that you’re avoiding asserting yourself in what you want.

Oftentimes that can happen because women don’t want to seem antagonistic to another person.

The third game that women play, this is called The Wet Blanket. According to the author, the Wet Blanket usually says, “I won’t fight you, but I won’t give you the satisfaction either.” She hopes that people will recognize her disapproval and then plead with her so she tells them how they might accommodate her.

The book gives an example of a mother living with her son and daughter-in law. The daughter-in-law wants to decorate and she’s like, “I’m thinking about getting new pillow cases.”

The mom is like, “If it’s cotton they’ll shrink and get dirty. Are you gonna put it on the floor? If so, they’ll lose their appeal.”

The Wet-Blanket just kind of like not giving people their props. That’s what the wet blanket is. You’re just kind of in the middle.

The fourth game that women play is called The Saboteur. “If I don’t get what I want, you better watch out because I might get even.” Or, “I’ll give you what you want right now and I’ll silently accept this request, but best believe I’m coming for you on the back end.”

Her mindset, her game plan, is all about making people pay. Making people pay instead of talking about the problem. Do you identify with that?

How might this come up as the holiday season is approaching?

And then the last game is called The Seductress. “Poor little me needs big ole handsome strong you.” The seductress uses her sexual prowess for nonsexual acts. Basically, to get what she wants without again being clear.

All of these games that women play are about hinting and hoping and not coming from this place of powerful, feminine communication.

Which one do I see myself as? Which one can I identify with? Well, depending on the time of the day, definitely The Saboteur, The Sufferer, not The Wet blanket because I give people props.

My own pattern has been, like “I’m doing a lot. Why’s everyone asking me to do all of this?” I noticed that I got into the mindset, especially now because my mom is here visiting for two weeks.

If your mom is still around, you can just imagine the friction that can happen upon arrival,… the “oh your hair is not right or whatever it is,” and so I found myself becoming really tense and really stressed.

I found myself in the sufferer mode and I had to ask myself, “how is God using me in this moment to love an imperfect person?”

That is something that I have to ask myself often, especially as a married woman, as a daughter, as a sister, etc.

This is what I want you to ask yourself. You have a twofold assignment.

#1: Which one of these games do you identify with? Are you The Sufferer? Are you The Uninvolved? Are you the Wet Blanket? Are you The Saboteur, or are you The Seductress, so identify that.

#2: Then, I want you to get clear on what is the outcome that you want. You’ll know how this shows up in your body. Decide the outcome that you want and then you want to act in a way that’s going to be favorable to that outcome.

For me, so that I don’t go into the saboteur, it’s all about how is God using me in this moment to love an imperfect person?

Leave your comment below.

To your enhancement,


A Powerful Confidence Tool for Women

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Hello, beautiful. Hey, girl. It’s Monique Head here. This week I was actually in Florida… Fort Lauderdale Beach, Florida. I was there to get my mind right. I want to get my mind right so I can show up more powerfully for you. Right?

I have coaches. It’s important for us, as women, to have coaches and mentors in our life who can really help to get us to the next level.

Today, I wanted to really speak about confidence because one of the things that my mentor shared with me that I really want to share with you is that confidence doesn’t come by waiting. Just like passion comes through exposure, you find out what you’re passionate about by being exposed to different things, confidence comes from taking bold action.

Just really putting your foot forward, taking a step, and seeing what happens. Whether you feel like it’s a pass or a fail, the fact that you had taken a step, a bold step, those are the types of things that build confidence.

I know in my last video to you I shared three ways that you can feel more confident around men that you find attractive because what typically happens is that if there’s a guy that we don’t like, we can show up with a little bit more pizazz. But as soon as there’s someone that we like, we go …

We get kind of scary and timid. But before you can even get to that, you have to show up more boldly and more confidently in your life as the alluring, magnetic, polished, confident woman.

The way that you do that is to take inventory of the areas in your life where you stepped out, you stepped out on faith. For me, man, there’s so many things. For me, that meant … studying abroad in college, that was something that sparked my desire to take a trip outside the US every two years.

That also looked like applying to law school. I applied to 21 law schools, and I keep getting some messages about “Talk about law school.” I’m going to save that for a different video, but I applied to 21 law schools and I had got into one conditionally. I don’t even know where my placement was when I graduated because I stopped looking.

I mention that to say, you just got to go for it because I could have waited, got a better score on my LSAT, but why not? I just go for it. The opportunity was there.

That also looked like losing weight, releasing 38 pounds almost 10 years ago. I remember when I had done my very first blog post about being a size 16, pushing 18. Guess what? I’m a size 16 again.

When I started doing these videos, I don’t know. I could have been like a size 10 or something like that. Then, I started hiding because my confidence was shot because I was afraid that people would say… that you would say, “Dang, you see Monique?”

Remember … what’s his name? 50 Cent? In one of his songs, he was like “In high school you was the man. What the eff happened to you?” I was afraid that women would start judging. But, I had to be mindful because that was really my judgment that I placed on myself and other women. I’d be like “Well dang. You seen her? She put on some weight. What’s going on?”

Another confidence booster for me was entering the Miss Michigan USA pageant, and being the Top 10 Finalist. It looks like running a half marathon. My very first time, I ran a half marathon. I’m getting ready to train for that one next year. Yeah, in 2018. I say all of this to say that you get confidence not my waiting.

Confidence comes by putting your foot in front of the other and making a decision. That’s what it is. Make a decision.

That’s one of the most powerful things that a woman can do: make a decision and the act on that. Let your yes be your yes and your no be your no.

Here’s your next step.

What I want you to do is to begin to make a list. Take an inventory, a confidence inventory, and make a list of all of those things that you have accomplished because when I work with women, you’ve got to come up to me with some sense of accomplishment, some sense of things where you feel confident.

That may mean giving birth, having your children, raising your children. That might mean giving birth without medication. How about that?

That might mean … listen, if you’re a physician, you had to go through school and residency and everything else that comes with that. If you have saved your company thousands and millions of dollars or you implemented something that helped to affect that company’s bottom line, be proud of that. You know your worth. Be proud of that.

If you’ve released weight, if you can cook. Girl, if you can throw down, you’re responsible for the holiday dinners. That’s something to be proud of because you, everybody don’t have that gift now.

If you traveled, if you traveled to different countries, if you give, if you serve, if you sing, if you can sing in front of people, if feel like you can perform at the drop of a hat and not shy away, that’s an accomplishment. I want you to put that in your confidence inventory. Okay?

Because what that’s going to do is to help to remind you of who you are because maybe you’re at a point in your life where you’re like “I thought that I would have had this part together, I would have had my man, I would have been married, I would have had children.”

You want that companion, but you’re not showing up confidently. Men are drawn to confident women, women who are whole, women who know themselves because guess what? They want to know that you’re not looking to them to escape your own life.

Your assignment: Take that confidence inventory. That’s what I want you to do. Take that confidence inventory and post below. What are you proud of?

I would love to see what you wrote. Okay?

To your enhancement,


3 Must Haves to Feel More Confident With Men You Find Attractive

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Are you familiar with Cardi B?

She kind of inspired this message to you. You see, Cardi B is an ex-stripper turned rapper who’s hit single “Bodak Yellow” reached #1 on the Billboard charts.

I didn’t know who she was but I kept hearing her song being played and remixed at baby showers and such. So I looked her up, and watched a couple of her interviews from like two years ago.

Though I’ve never stripped publicly, I’ve secretly admired a stripper’s confidence.

So in today’s video, I share 3 things you must have to feel more confident with men you find attractive.

I’ll share more of what you need on Wednesday’s live training.

Click below to watch today’s video so you can apply the 3 Must Haves

To your enhancement,


P.S. Have you registered for Wednesday’s training. Be the Woman Who Fascinates Men: 6 Steps to Attract the Right Man & Create a Purposeful Relationship

Register here.